Depression I’ve heard described as a deep sadness. For me it’s more than that. I’ve felt plenty of horrible sadness in my life, most notably when my grandfather and father died. But as sad as I was, I was not depressed. Grandpa was 100, and dad was finally breathing easy 😉

I remember the first time I told a doctor I was depressed. I was in my mid-20’s and he told me I smiled too much to be depressed. He even brought in another doctor to see my smile. What neither of them knew, or took the time to find out, was that that smile was permanent and as fake as the waiting room flowers. I grew up in a household where if you weren’t smiling (except for mom, she never smiled) you were hounded about what was wrong, and geez louise if you actually said you’d be beaten down for being ungrateful, etc. So I smiled.

I’m 49, and I still catch myself smiling out of habit.

Somewhere in my late 30’s a doctor took me seriously about being depressed. He put me on Paxil. Then I went to counselling, which I wasn’t ready for. At my first session I told her I already know its all my mothers fault so what’s left to discuss? That was my last session,

I stopped the Paxil shortly after. In the intervening years I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and GAD. I was on Lexapro for awhile, dropped that and now I just take Xanax on an as needed basis.

Some days though I’m just the seeds at the bottom of the pickle barrel – nothing can pick me up. Usually it’s bc of one of my medical conditions. Either my blood sugar is going high for no reason or breathing is difficult.

My family has as much patience for my depression as those first doctors. My husband has even asked what I have to be depressed about, after all I don’t even have to work. Kind of shows you his mind set :/.

I don’t want to go back on medication and counseling is clearly not for me. Not sure how I’ll handle this.

Let me be clear in that I am depressed, NOT suicidal. I’m too damn lazy for that ;). Besides I’m fighting every day to see the finish line with my last two kids grown up. Some days I do wake up thinking damn, another day I have to slog through. But I slog…


Posted on February 28, 2012, in General, medical and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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